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I’m a simple man. Many of you have even told me so. It is in this vein that I shall pontificate, opine and generally spew forth my ideas, opinions and speculations concerning subjects that have long been the interest of scientists, scholars and barstool philosophers around the globe. I once heard a three year old sum up the Christian religion in two sentences. He looked at me, a total stranger, and said, “Jesus is up. The devil is down.” Three year old Buzz didn’t need to study scripture, listen to sermons or try to discern the true meanings of prophecy. His youthful mind had the basics down. He knew what was right, he knew what was wrong and he governed himself accordingly. I think that unaware of his own logic, Buzz had just delivered the most accurate and valid sermon I’d heard in quite some time. I will further stipulate that it was the only sermon I’d heard in quite some time. But even if I’d heard intricately crafted sermons preached from the high and righteous pulpits of goodhearted men I would still contend that the words of Buzz held more veracity due to their innate simplicity.
Sometimes I wonder if we don’t over analyze other things, which only leads to more questions than answers. What if we took the simplicity through which Buzz saw the world and applied this to other mysteries that had long plagued mankind?
Let’s think for a moment about Stonehenge. Now we may need to expand our boundaries further than Buzz did, but not much. Let’s go back and put ourselves in the place of the inhabitants of Salisbury around 2500 BC, give or take. There probably wasn’t a lot for the men to do around there. The women were out being the scavengers and gatherers and the cooks while the men were really only good at the Three B’s, Building, Battling and Banging. It wasn’t like they had cable or anything to occupy their time. Through possibly fictitious dialogue, I will convey my thoughts on how Stonehenge came to be. This might not be historically accurate, but I’m going to run with it none the less. Behold my words…
Picture if you will two middle aged Druids leaning against a tree, rock, bovine or any other object of your imagination. The one Druid, who we shall call Hank looks to his left, or perhaps his right depending upon his spatial orientation to John, his fellow villageman. And yes I just made up the word villageman. If you don’t like it you can use the term neighbor if it makes you feel more grammatically correct. Anyway, Hank says to John, “My kid was over near Amesbury the other day and said he saw two goofy bastards stacking some big rocks together. They tied a yak or an ox or some other big ass animal to a bunch of twisted vines and hooked them to a rock and made the animal pull it up another rock until they could move it over onto a couple of other rocks that they already had in place.”
“What the hell were they doing that for?” John asked.
“I think they were just bored and had some extra vines and rocks and just wanted to see if they could do it. Not sure what they were thinking or why they decided it was important but the boy said it took them a while to get it up there. They told him they were going to make two more piles of rocks next week,” Hank said.
At this point John got a little animated and probably began to pace about for a few moments in an agitated manner and then he probably said something along the following lines. “Oh HELL NO! I’m not about to let some slackass over in Amesbury stack a few rocks and make me and my village look bland, backward and uneventful. How many rocks did you say that bastard stacked?”
“The Boy said about five or six, “ Hank advised.
“Five or Six?” John asked. At this point he began to smile and Hank knew what he was thinking. “Those dillweeds in Amesbury ain’t got shit on Salisbury. Five or six my ass, I don’t care if it takes a couple months, I am gonna stack more than that. And ya know what Hank? I’m gonna stack those bitches in a circle. This is going to be the most badass lawn ornament that anyone has ever seen. That’s how I roll bitch. Let’s get this shit started.”
Now there are those who contend that Stonehenge was built as a calendar or Druid hall of worship or even a gateway to the unknown. But I think my theory as laid out above has got to merit some modicum of authenticity. We’ll never really know what the constructors of Stonehenge had in mind unless we could dig them up and ask them. So short of that, I am willing to go ahead and accept my theory as being extremely plausible.
Well if the logic of Buzz, and the theory of Occam’s Razor, hold that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, at least in the absence of evidence to the contrary, I think it can also be applied to the question as to why the Aztec Calendar ends in 2012.
The Aztecs ran the show in Mexico and Central America for the better part of the 14th, 15th, and 16th Centuries. They were a people of great mathematical and astronomic prowess, pretty vicious warriors and the most hardcore basketball fans there were if you know what I mean. Here’s what I think happened. The man on National Geographic Channel might not agree, but do you see him behind the keyboard writing this blog? ‘Nuff said!!!
Well one day the Head Aztec Guy (That’s the Title I am going to give him since the whole theme of this entry is simplicity rules the day) was looking for his calendar but it was nowhere to be found. He looked under the big stone that sufficed as his table. He looked under the throne. I don’t know if he had a couch, but if he did he probably looked between the cushions and down between the couch and the wall. Either way the dude couldn’t find a calendar. It was poor form for the ruler of the empire not to know what day it was so he summoned one of the most learned mathematicians on the plateau, we will call him Julio, and told him that he was desperately in need of a calendar.
Julio was also asked what day it was and he told Head Aztec Guy that it was December the 18th and that he could make him a calendar the next day but currently he was in the middle of a project that dealt with measuring the speed of light and if he could just have another twenty minutes to sort it out he thought he could finish up. Head Aztec Guy was pissed. How dare Julio tell him to take a number because he wanted to figure out something about light and stuff.
“I don’t think so dude,” said Head Aztec Guy. “You’re gonna get your ass over to that sun dial and make me a calendar. And you better have that shit finished by lunch. And you know what? It’s already December. You make my ass a calendar for next year too. And since you think you’re so damn smart you make one for the next ten years.”
Julio rolled his eyes. Unfortunately, Head Aztec Guy saw this show of disrespect and he said, “Whoa bitch. I know you didn’t just roll your eyes at me. Since you think you’re Julio the badass I think you need to go ahead and make me a hundred years worth of calendars.”
Not learning from his previous actions, Julio let out a sigh. Head Aztec Guy heard this and said, “Oh hell no bitch, you’re gonna have to give me another 500 years worth of calendars. Don’t you look at me that way. In fact bitch, make my ass some calendars all the way up until the year 2013. Don’t even think about saying anything else or I will sign your ass up for the basketball team.” Now we all know what happens when mathematicians try to play basketball and we also know what happens to the losing team in Aztec Rules Roundball.
So Julio wadded up his papers concerning the speed of light and what not and made calendars for the rest of his life, dying just nine days short of finishing out calendars until the year 2013. So that is my theory on why the Aztec Calendar stops at December 22, 2012.
So now that I have set forth my views, I encourage each of you, all 11 people who read this blog, to step back from your problems, projects, and daily burdens and ask yourself if maybe you too are over analyzing things to the point that you might not be able to see the answer which lies immediately before you.
Historic Footnote:
In case you were wondering, Head Aztec Guy died a long, painful death brought on by eating some bad shellfish at an event catered by Julio’s cousin.
Sometimes I wonder if we don’t over analyze other things, which only leads to more questions than answers. What if we took the simplicity through which Buzz saw the world and applied this to other mysteries that had long plagued mankind?
Let’s think for a moment about Stonehenge. Now we may need to expand our boundaries further than Buzz did, but not much. Let’s go back and put ourselves in the place of the inhabitants of Salisbury around 2500 BC, give or take. There probably wasn’t a lot for the men to do around there. The women were out being the scavengers and gatherers and the cooks while the men were really only good at the Three B’s, Building, Battling and Banging. It wasn’t like they had cable or anything to occupy their time. Through possibly fictitious dialogue, I will convey my thoughts on how Stonehenge came to be. This might not be historically accurate, but I’m going to run with it none the less. Behold my words…
Picture if you will two middle aged Druids leaning against a tree, rock, bovine or any other object of your imagination. The one Druid, who we shall call Hank looks to his left, or perhaps his right depending upon his spatial orientation to John, his fellow villageman. And yes I just made up the word villageman. If you don’t like it you can use the term neighbor if it makes you feel more grammatically correct. Anyway, Hank says to John, “My kid was over near Amesbury the other day and said he saw two goofy bastards stacking some big rocks together. They tied a yak or an ox or some other big ass animal to a bunch of twisted vines and hooked them to a rock and made the animal pull it up another rock until they could move it over onto a couple of other rocks that they already had in place.”
“What the hell were they doing that for?” John asked.
“I think they were just bored and had some extra vines and rocks and just wanted to see if they could do it. Not sure what they were thinking or why they decided it was important but the boy said it took them a while to get it up there. They told him they were going to make two more piles of rocks next week,” Hank said.
At this point John got a little animated and probably began to pace about for a few moments in an agitated manner and then he probably said something along the following lines. “Oh HELL NO! I’m not about to let some slackass over in Amesbury stack a few rocks and make me and my village look bland, backward and uneventful. How many rocks did you say that bastard stacked?”
“The Boy said about five or six, “ Hank advised.
“Five or Six?” John asked. At this point he began to smile and Hank knew what he was thinking. “Those dillweeds in Amesbury ain’t got shit on Salisbury. Five or six my ass, I don’t care if it takes a couple months, I am gonna stack more than that. And ya know what Hank? I’m gonna stack those bitches in a circle. This is going to be the most badass lawn ornament that anyone has ever seen. That’s how I roll bitch. Let’s get this shit started.”
Now there are those who contend that Stonehenge was built as a calendar or Druid hall of worship or even a gateway to the unknown. But I think my theory as laid out above has got to merit some modicum of authenticity. We’ll never really know what the constructors of Stonehenge had in mind unless we could dig them up and ask them. So short of that, I am willing to go ahead and accept my theory as being extremely plausible.
Well if the logic of Buzz, and the theory of Occam’s Razor, hold that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, at least in the absence of evidence to the contrary, I think it can also be applied to the question as to why the Aztec Calendar ends in 2012.
The Aztecs ran the show in Mexico and Central America for the better part of the 14th, 15th, and 16th Centuries. They were a people of great mathematical and astronomic prowess, pretty vicious warriors and the most hardcore basketball fans there were if you know what I mean. Here’s what I think happened. The man on National Geographic Channel might not agree, but do you see him behind the keyboard writing this blog? ‘Nuff said!!!
Well one day the Head Aztec Guy (That’s the Title I am going to give him since the whole theme of this entry is simplicity rules the day) was looking for his calendar but it was nowhere to be found. He looked under the big stone that sufficed as his table. He looked under the throne. I don’t know if he had a couch, but if he did he probably looked between the cushions and down between the couch and the wall. Either way the dude couldn’t find a calendar. It was poor form for the ruler of the empire not to know what day it was so he summoned one of the most learned mathematicians on the plateau, we will call him Julio, and told him that he was desperately in need of a calendar.
Julio was also asked what day it was and he told Head Aztec Guy that it was December the 18th and that he could make him a calendar the next day but currently he was in the middle of a project that dealt with measuring the speed of light and if he could just have another twenty minutes to sort it out he thought he could finish up. Head Aztec Guy was pissed. How dare Julio tell him to take a number because he wanted to figure out something about light and stuff.
“I don’t think so dude,” said Head Aztec Guy. “You’re gonna get your ass over to that sun dial and make me a calendar. And you better have that shit finished by lunch. And you know what? It’s already December. You make my ass a calendar for next year too. And since you think you’re so damn smart you make one for the next ten years.”
Julio rolled his eyes. Unfortunately, Head Aztec Guy saw this show of disrespect and he said, “Whoa bitch. I know you didn’t just roll your eyes at me. Since you think you’re Julio the badass I think you need to go ahead and make me a hundred years worth of calendars.”
Not learning from his previous actions, Julio let out a sigh. Head Aztec Guy heard this and said, “Oh hell no bitch, you’re gonna have to give me another 500 years worth of calendars. Don’t you look at me that way. In fact bitch, make my ass some calendars all the way up until the year 2013. Don’t even think about saying anything else or I will sign your ass up for the basketball team.” Now we all know what happens when mathematicians try to play basketball and we also know what happens to the losing team in Aztec Rules Roundball.
So Julio wadded up his papers concerning the speed of light and what not and made calendars for the rest of his life, dying just nine days short of finishing out calendars until the year 2013. So that is my theory on why the Aztec Calendar stops at December 22, 2012.
So now that I have set forth my views, I encourage each of you, all 11 people who read this blog, to step back from your problems, projects, and daily burdens and ask yourself if maybe you too are over analyzing things to the point that you might not be able to see the answer which lies immediately before you.
Historic Footnote:
In case you were wondering, Head Aztec Guy died a long, painful death brought on by eating some bad shellfish at an event catered by Julio’s cousin.
1 comment:
One of the best so far Bob!
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